HEY KADIJAH: My boyfriend and I got engaged. One of my sisters asked if I planned to change my name. My boyfriend said of course I would. When I balked at his answering for me, he said I had to change my name or there’d be no marriage. I really love him, Kadijah. What should I do? — Unsure in Ohio
Kadijah’s Two Cents on Name Change
Hey Unsure,
You may be unsure, but I ain’t. You got more problems than a name change, boo. He answered for you? And then threatened no marriage over a name?
Your man’s out here treating marriage like a hostage negotiation: “Take my name and nobody gets hurt.”
Marriage should be about two people merging their lives, not one person rebranding the other like a restaurant chain. If he’s setting terms, tell him you have a few of your own.
- You’ll take his last name if he takes your mother’s potato salad recipe seriously.
- You’ll change your name if he changes the toilet paper roll without waiting for divine intervention.
- You’ll happily undertake changing all your documents (passport, license, etc.) if he undertakes your student loans.
Then, see how quickly he decides “Johnson” isn’t such a dealbreaker after all.
Bottom line: IF he loves you enough to marry you, your name shouldn’t be the sticking point. And IF it is, you may want to rethink how lovable he really is.
And remember—there are plenty of options: keep your name, hyphenate, mash them together, or invent a brand-new one.
Love and side-eye,
Kadijah
P.S. Here she goes again. Hornin’ in on my territory. Anyway, if you can stomach S. Marie and her know-it-all BS, read her two cents on your sitcheeation below.
S. Marie’s Two Cents on Name Change
Dear Unsure: Please allow me to step out of my stack of census records for a quick note. As someone who spends weekends chasing great-great-grandmothers across state lines, I can confirm that name changes for women keep genealogist’s up at night.
One census she’s Mary Johnson, the next she’s Mollie McGinnis, and five years later she’s an “M&M” living with three kids and a goat. I’ve cursed at more than is normal. And don’t get me started on the missing 1890 Census. But I digress.
Unsure, if you keep your name, consider it a gift to future generations. Your great-great-grandkids will thank you for being findable. And if you do a name change it, at least leave a paper trail—marriage announcements, family Bibles, Post-it notes. Anything.
Genealogically yours,
S. Marie
P.S. And please God A’mighty, don’t listen to Kadijah about creating a brand-new name. She’s always gotta get all extra with her advice. Genealogists won’t ever get any sleep if folks start doing that.
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